ye110wbeard's Land of Silly Un-Official Funny Fridays Site

A little nonsense for Christmas

Caution.  Involves a Melted Snowman. :)

http://landofsilly.mypodcast.com/2008/11/Slushie_the_Snowman-159942.html

“Slushie the Snowman”

Slushie the snowman
Was a giddy funny guy
With a cheap old hat upon his head
and single button eye

Slushie the snowman
Was a bad old dream they say
Had a patch on one side to be his guide
As he staggered out that day

There must have been some magic
in that eye patch that they found
for when they put it on his head
He said "Arrr hit the ground"

Slushie the Snowman
Got a sunburn bad it's true
So he tried to run
but with no feet
he was stuck to there like glue.

Hop down the sidewalk
He scared the kids away
With a dripping face
his scary race
had them run right off that day

Melting and Sliding
Avoiding Sewer Grates
If he fell in one
he'd be surely done
Oh what a nasty fate

He oozed right down the road that day
right to a police stop
He paused to produce his id Quick
before he heard that SHOT

Slushie the snowman
Oozed away like a pile of slime
But soon he said
before he fled
I'll see you all next time

Drippety drip drip
Drippety drip drip

Look at Slushie Flow

Drippety drip drip
Drippety drip drip

Into the piles of snow

http://landofsilly.mypodcast.com/2008/11/Slushie_the_Snowman-159942.html

http://landofsilly.mypodcast.com/2008/11/Microsoft_Twelve_Days_of_Christmas-159787.html

Dedicated to Steve Ballmer and his fine crew

Happy Holidays from your Friendly Neighbourhood Friday Funny Guy

Microsoft Twelve Days of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas Steve Ballmer Gave to me
A signed copy of Visual Studio

On the second day of Christmas Steve Ballmer Gave to me
Two boxes of Chiclets
And a signed copy of Visual Studio

On the third day of Christmas Steve Ballmer Gave to me
Three bags of Fritos
Two boxes of Chiclets
And a signed copy of Visual Studio

On the fourth day of Christmas Steve Ballmer Gave to me
Four Funny Fridays
Three bags of Fritos
Two boxes of Chiclets
And a signed copy of Visual Studio

On the Fifth day of Christmas Steve Ballmer Gave to me
Five CANS OF JOLT
Four Funny Fridays
Three bags of Fritos
Two boxes of Chiclets
And a signed copy of Visual Studio

On the Sixth day of Christmas Steve Ballmer Gave to me
Six Hackers Hacking
Five CANS OF JOLT
Four Funny Fridays
Three bags of Fritos
Two boxes of Chiclets
And a signed copy of Visual Studio

On the Seventh day of Christmas Steve Ballmer Gave to me
Seven IT Pros
Six Hackers Hacking
Five CANS OF JOLT
Four Funny Fridays
Three bags of Fritos
Two boxes of Chiclets
And a signed copy of Visual Studio

On the Eighth day of Christmas Steve Ballmer Gave to me
Eight coders coding
Seven IT Pros
Six Hackers Hacking
Five CANS OF JOLT
Four Funny Fridays
Three bags of Fritos
Two boxes of Chiclets
And a signed copy of Visual Studio
On the Ninth day of Christmas Steve Ballmer Gave to me
Nine Bags of Ram
Eight coders coding
Seven IT Pros
Six Hackers Hacking
Five CANS OF JOLT
Four Funny Fridays
Three bags of Fritos
Two boxes of Chiclets
And a signed copy of Visual Studio

On the Tenth day of Christmas Steve Ballmer Gave to me
Ten Hot recruiters
Nine Bags of Ram
Eight coders coding
Seven IT Pros
Six Hackers Hacking
Five CANS OF JOLT
Four Funny Fridays
Three bags of Fritos
Two boxes of Chiclets
And a signed copy of Visual Studio

On the Eleventh day of Christmas Steve Ballmer Gave to me
Eleven Drives a trashing
Ten Hot recruiters
Nine Bags of Ram
Eight coders coding
Seven IT Pros
Six Hackers Hacking
Five CANS OF JOLT
Four Funny Fridays
Three bags of Fritos
Two boxes of Chiclets
And a signed copy of Visual Studio

On the Twelth day of Christmas Steve Ballmer Gave to me
Twelve SQL Servers
Eleven Drives a trashing
Ten Hot recruiters
Nine Bags of Ram
Eight coders coding
Seven IT Pros
Six Hackers Hacking
Five CANS OF JOLT
Four Funny Fridays
Three bags of Fritos
Two boxes of Chiclets
And a signed copy of Visual Studio

http://landofsilly.mypodcast.com/2008/11/Microsoft_Twelve_Days_of_Christmas-159787.html

A little silliness and madness for Christmas

Not for the little ones.  Involves a slightly cooked Reindeer :)

Rudolph the BBQ’d Reindeer

http://landofsilly.mypodcast.com/2008/11/Rudolph_the_BBQs_Reindeer-159700.html

Sorry Rudolph, guess I'm getting coal :)

You know Garlic and Caymen and Spicy and Honey
Chewy and Crunchy and stuff that tastes funny

But do you recall
the most flavoured Reindeer of all?

Rudolph the Barbequed Reindeer
Covered in a Honey Glaze
He got cooked up by Santa
Cuz he'd had himself some better days

All of the other reindeer
Watched him roll upon the spit
The licked their lips and they watched
They didn't seem to mind a bit

They one hungry Christmas Eve
Santa was so late
Rudolph so glazed and crunchy now
Won't you come on and fill my plate?

Then how the reindeer loved him
as they revelled in that tasty smell
Rudolph the Barbequed Reindeer
You'll go down really well

Then how the reindeer loved him
as they revelled in that tasty smell
Rudolph the Barbequed Reindeer
You'll go down really
You'll go down really
You'll go down really weeelll…

*URP*

“So where we off to next, 7th floor?”

The cleaning staff were having a normal uneventful night.   A few tissues here, wipe a desk there.  The normal kind of Wednesday night you would expect.

“Yup.  7th floor.  Woohoo.  Maybe we’ll have to empty a trash can.  Yep excitement whoa.”

And so, rolling into the elevator carts at hand they went in.

“Press the button with your foot this time, let’s do something exciting.  I’ll bet ya Ten bucks you can’t do it.”

Yes truly an exciting night of daring “button pressing with toes” contests.

The button was pressed, the ten spot was paid and the elevator hummed into a yawning lulling action.  A slight bump and three point nine seconds later, the 7th floor was entered.

*Ding*

The doors opened revealing the sounds of Hell itself unleashed. Creaking sounds of walls giving way met their ears.  Smoke.  Bodies everywhere.  Some explosions still going off in the background.  Fire alarms ringing through the background.

"What the @!?@#?!@” they looked each in Unison.

And slowly towards them.  One body moved.  Crawling with it’s slow inching efforts.  Clutching a book.  it’s gnarled hand, that of a Network Administrator reached up.  Pulling them down to meet its ragged remains.

“Take this….” the poor thing gasped “….war…warn others…..Let our fate… not….be…….forgotten.” He pressed a bloody burnt book into their hands.

They looked at each other incredulous.  “What happened?  What caused all this?” they wondered out loud.

The Network Administrator looked up with dying eyes.  A final single gasp escaped his lips.  Almost barely above a whisper.

“Auditors….” it gasped “Auditors!” as life left him to grab a coffee somewhere else.

They looked at ruined book in their hands.  The remains of a manager’s daytimer.  Carefully they opened it.

“A diary…” one of them gasped.

They began to read.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

8:30.  Checked in with Susie from accounting.  Submitted expenses.  Had coffee and shared donuts with VP of Procurements.

8:45.  Contacted supplier regarding new Cisco Catalyst switches and routers.   Due to receive new hardware.  Sent e-mail to supervisor confirming shipment underway

8:49.  Sounds of rumbling and drums coming from the elevator.   Clanging of metal.  Must be a late Hallowe’en party.  Note to self.  Get costume for staff party later on this week.

8:56.  Yelling.  Screaming.   Sounds of swordplay.  I peek through the crack in the door.   I see CEO’s being lined up against a wall in reception against their will.  Sabers pointed at them by Gentlemen carrying black suitcases. “AUDITORS!” The President shouts.  “How dare you!” His Blackberry is yanked from him in response and smashed to bits.  He breaks down in tears. The rest quickly fall in line.

9:27.  I have managed to escape the initial onslaught by crawling inside the wiring channels in the server room and hiding within the ductwork.  I can hear screaming and yelling from various divisions.  I am helpless to provide assistance.  What can I do?  I am a lowly Network Administrator and they are armed with subpoenas.  I am no match for them.

10:33.  They have dragged the entire staff of the call centre into a small room.  They are beating on the walls with a Smiley Face found on a desk.  “Tell us the truth!  Tell us what we want to know!  We may go lightly on you.  There was yelling and screaming from the Call Centre staff.  And then an odd silence.

10:48.  Found an old Jelly Baby in the ductwork.  Managed to provide some sustenance with the lack of an available coffee or water break.  I can sounds of fires in the background.

11:02.  I have managed to evade the captors thus far.  I am balanced barely above an exhaust vent in the lunch room.   I see my fellow members from I.T. cornered by a fat one with a large wiring fish being swung about.   “You will give us what we want or the coffee machine gets it!” I hear many screams from my fellow staff members.   Bravado takes over the Development team as they leap towards the auditor.  They almost get him until he whips out their hard copies of the source code and lights it ablaze.   They scrambled to recover the burning remains.  The Systems Administrator passes out as the Starbucks machine is kicked into nothingness.  I pass out from the sight of a destroyed coffee machine.

11:57.  I awake and can hear many of the support staff gathering together forming a resistance movement.   Sounds and singing of “We Shall Prevail” echo throughout the duct work.  I see bloodied remains of one auditors clutching a file folder in the middle of a hallway.  A sense of Bravado fills me.

12:40.  The hour of the Administrative Assistants.  Armed with handsets, bad attitude and Platinum Visa Cards they marched upon the Auditors.   I could smell the fear in the eyes of the Auditors.   The tide would turn I thought.

13:21.  Many of the Auditors littered the office with Cisco handsets embedded in the rear ends screaming in agony or sitting down in Herman Muller chairs crying over ridiculously overcharged expenses on Platinum Visas.  The tide is beginning to turn.

13:22.  Phones ring throughout the office.   An emergency PTA meeting has been called and 99% of the Administrative Staff leave for their children.  A cry roars up from the Auditors sensing a change in the tide.   The remaining staff moan in terror.  I gasp in shock.

13:39.  R&D Division puts up a fierce battle.  With the remaining I.T. Staff, some Co-op students,  A single CEO and VP and Johnny the Mail Clerk a final stand is held. I hear gunfire.  Swords.   Screaming and Explosions.

15:35.  All is quiet.  I dare not look.   Some ruffling of papers.

16:00.  I hear voices.  “Looks like they checked out.   Nothing bad. Pretty much in order. I particularly liked their Data Centre”  another voice “Yes I expected worse. I wish they hadn’t put up such a fight.  I was feeling pretty flexible today.  That receptionist was giving me the eye. Wish I hadn’t knocked her unconscious with that copy of the Yellow Pages from Metro” a Third voice. “Really?  I felt pretty bad about the Starbucks machine myself.”

16:01. Auditors enter elevator.  *Ding* is heard from far away.  Perhaps a better life.

16:38.  I can barely see.  Dirty ducts.  Lack of Lunch.  Poisoned Jelly Baby.  My body is wracked with pain.  I don’t know how much more I can take… tell me wife I love her and my children.   And to make sure drive P: is erased with Military Encryption……

17:23. Voices again.  Did they return to finish the remaining off.  I can barely see, hear, speak.  I fall.  Pain greets me.  The duct collapses. I lay about on the ground passed out.

17:24.  Must bring this to the voices…… the Cleaning staff…. must tell…. Let others be spared our fate.  Paperwork. Diligence.  Industry Standards. ITIL. MOF.  W-5. *ack* … *gasp*…..Dragging my body…. Good bye world.  Tell Steve Ballmer I love him.   I bought stock in Commodore.   I once had sex with an APPLE II… *** gasssssp ***

“Tickets! I need see your tickets!”

The voice pierced the back of her head.   A long and tired day.  Finally a little snooze.  Her body so desperately cried out.  The rumbling and rattling of the train was suspiciously soothing.

“Tickets.” the voice would not go away.   Make it go away.  Awake for twenty eight hours.  Enough was enough.  “Sleep!” her body shrieked.

But the voice hammered on.

“Miss, I need to see your ticket. You need si…”  the train inspector was doing his rounds.  Neat, prim proper.   He might have been good in bed.  On another day.  But not today.  He was pulling out a small folder.

She moaned half awake.  Brain running on instinct.  Reaching into the pocket for the ticket she had paid for less than the ten minutes before.  Comfortably reaching.  Shut him up.  Sleep was calling.  Back to sleep in a minute.  Her hand pulling at the ticket.

The ticket would not respond.  Reaching for it in another pocket.   Still no response.  Frantically digging into pockets and ripping into sub locations.

The Ticket.  Dammit!  Asshole here was going to WRITE her a ticket for not having a ticket.

No ticket.

Not even a ripped ticket.

And the train Nazi interrogating her.

“You need to sign….” It stated unrelenting waving the sheet in front of her.

“I…. I just BOUGHT it…. I don’t get it…. “

“You need to sign thi……” It repeated methodically and mechanically.

Thoughts ripped through her head.  From the booth to the train.  What happened?

A small fry.  No she had it then.

A newspaper.  No no. Of course not.  Definitely then.

Waiting on the ramp?  What? No.  Can’t be. Carried it proudly.

and then… realization… and relief.

“The Toilet!” she exclaimed with both joy and embarrassment.

The Voice nodded slowly. “Of course you left it there… Now if you could just sig……..” it stated unrelenting.

She nodded acceptingly.   A quick run to the toilet.  It must have been sitting on the stainless steel polished stink (Did she think that?) beside the bowl of blue oblivion. 

Opening the door. Joy. Shock. Relief. Embarrassment.  Sitting on the sink. 

The ticket.

Reaching quickly to grab it, a bump. 

“OUCH!” her head yelled banging the door and the sink.

“OUCH!” shriek the poor ticket diving for the safest cover it could think of.  The soothing blue water of the stainless steel pool.

“Hello!” shouted up the blue puddle to the ticket.

“Hello!  Thank you good friend!” responded the oh so happy ticket willing to be free of more bumps.

“Oh No you don’t you *!@^$#&*(#” shouted the hapless ticket owner diving into the blueness to get the ticket out.

“HEY!” Yelped up the toilet pedal being stepped on by the owner foot who by now realized the awkward storage position of the toilet flush pedal to people bumping into train bathroom doors.

“$%!@@” cursed the ticket owner reaching through urine, blue liquid and feces to retrieve the ticket.”

But too late.

Gone.

It was gone.

Taken by Satan himself.

Time to return to the train Nazi.

Looking like Hell.

Smelling like crap and pretty blue liquid.

and Sweat…. sweat too.

She stared down the train Nazi.

“So what’s the fine asshole?!?!?!” she spat out.

The train Nazi, shocked and dismayed…. returned a simple look.  Both of disbelief and humor.

“Sorry….” He stammered, “you’re our 1,000,000th rider.  I was about to say you’ve just won a month of free rides.  The ticket was merely a formality….”